Take Two

I'm now on Day 4 of IUI Cycle 2. I don't have a lot to say about the actual process, since now it all feels familiar to me. I know what to expect. I've already told you all about it. So I'm just sort of doing it without a lot of thought/worry. I did want to say that I really appreciate some of the kind words and messages I got from you all when I first found out that IUI Cycle 1 did not work. It was a hard day. I got past it and feel nearly AOK now (although still get teary at odd moments and random things). It wasn't fun, and you helped me feel less alone.

My doctors both made sure to point out that for 4 cycles of IUI my chances of getting pregnant each time remain the same. The first failure does not mean it is less likely to work the 2nd or 3rd or 4th time. I have 3 more goes at this. All completely for free. Now that we're fully in this, I am not getting any more residual medical bills - the study is paying for every single thing at this point. And if they don't work, I will go back to Dr. Tran (who I see nearly every time I'm at the clinic) and we will talk IVF. And we will try that for as long as he thinks. And if that doesn't work, we will try something else. Or we will look into adoption.

I have this feeling sometimes that people who have been through this and ended up with a child (or children) in a way are the most empathetic, because they have been here before. But in a way, I wonder if they can actually possibly still understand - while looking at their child(ren) how I feel. Because now they know that it's OK - that it worked for them. They have the family they want. And I still don't know if I'll get there. So their successes can feel painful to me. Like I'm being left behind, even by those who also went through this. They give hope, too. But it's a two-sided coin, I guess.

I don't take a lot of comfort in platitudes. I love that so many people have faith that this'll work for me. And I hope you are right! But in order to get through the day, I have to be a little pragmatic and think about facts and figures and next steps along the path. Because when I do that, I realize this WILL work. It'll work because I'll be a mom. Ian and I will be parents. Some way or another. And our journey may be almost over and it may be just beginning but we'll get there. We roamed this globe together...we've traveled through life together for 7 years and counting...we'll get through this, no matter what "this" turns out to be. And it's tiring and stressful and sometimes heartbreaking and possibly expensive. It affects me physically, it affects us both emotionally, it makes me tired and antisocial and sometimes angry and frustrated and sad. But from what I can gather from all of you - worth it. And actually just the start of a much longer and far more important journey of being parents....and a family.

A friend pointed out to me, via a private message, among many other amazing things, that she only realizes now that she has happy healthy children how much more important it is to her to be a mother than to be a biological mother. This gave me so much comfort. It only took me a second to process it and think, "duh". You have no idea. It's like suddenly I realized that our end of the road - our adoption option - will be OK. It won't be a loss, it will still be a gain. And suddenly I feel safe and OK saying, "it'll work out". Because it will work out.