2. Ian is still away, but I am more OK now. I had a couple of really bad days and really missed having him here to just be with me. Now I am at least forward looking.
3. I am feeling sorry - like I need to be apologizing all of the time. Because I fear this is turning me into a person no one would want to be friends with - boring, self-focused and negative (for my own self-protection). So, I am sorry. I am trying, I really am. But I'm not very good at this.
4. I finally starting using a stupid online support group listserve thingy, which I usually hate. But I think it saved me over those last couple of days of the last failed cycle (especially with Ian gone). Just got on a discussion with a bunch of women who were all having IUIs in April. It was so good to read and interact with so many other voices that are in the exact same boat as me. I have already joined the "May IUI Roll Call" discussion. I also just spent like $60 on books that were recommended on another thread over there.
5. I still hate all the abbreviations that everyone uses, just standardly, on these things. I think it's part of what turned me off in the first place. AF (Aunt Flo) and DH (Dear Husband or some shit like that) and BFN or BFP (Big Fucking Negative or Big Fucking Positive for test results). It reminds me of how violently I hated and refused to use emoticons when people first started using them. :) I'm sure this, too, will pass. ;P
6. I don't want to talk about this when I see you, I swear, but it is sometimes hard for me to talk about much else, since I don't think about much else. Talking about it doesn't really help. Writing about it is good. It makes me actually face the emotions a little bit. Talking about it sometimes just helps me get stuck in my head too much. I would love to feel like this was out of my head, for a day or an hour or even a minute.
7. I hate showing too much emotion in front of people. So often I find myself biting my cheek as hard as I can so I don't cry in front of anyone - at work, a friend, family, ANYONE. (see #6)
8. This is making my introvert tendencies come out even more (see #6 and #7)
9. I hate hate hate feeling like other people pity me, but sometimes I just feel sorry for myself. Not the regular old sad about a bad situation, but horrible self-pity. You can see how that is an unpleasant cycle of hating pity, but pitying myself.
10. I crave support, but I don't know how to receive support - it often makes me uncomfortable. Support in writing is magic. Support in person, I might act weird about, but it is also magic. Even if it makes me bite my cheek and act awkward. But make it quick, and then let's pretend everything is OK! (j/k. well, sort of.) (see #6 and #7)
11. There is a lot of guilt and shame for me in this. Probably why I have a hard time thinking people pity me and why I have a hard time receiving support. I have a lot of misguided guilt and shame in general, so it's not really surprising. It's part of why I'm trying to be so open and honest about everything that's happening. Because I would love to get past feeling like this is something embarrassing that makes me a less good person. I would love to not think that everyone wasn't secretly silently judging me. But I'm not there yet.
12. I wonder if I brought this on myself, since I've always had this weird sneaking suspicion I'd have a hard time getting pregnant. I know that makes no sense. But it's true.
13. Tonight I am going to the ballet. I put on a dress and leggings and a bright colored sweater. I'm not wearing boots or tennis shoes. Tomorrow I am going to UCSF again, all by myself, to get more drugs and to give more blood and to assault my body more. Then I will enjoy the sunshine.