Thursday, January 8, 2015

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

I don't have a ton of time at the moment, but I'm hoping to find people to chat to who have dealt with either of the following things, both of which I am dealing with.

1.  A reduction.  Mine is scheduled for the 21st of January.  I have 0 qualms about it in terms of the decision, but am scared of it in terms of the needle through my stomach and 3 days of bedrest.

2.  Gestational Diabetes, which I am apparetly *already* being diagnosed with.  Hurray?  I won't have details until the 20th, when I have an appointment, but I'd love to chat if you had this. Especially if it was diagnosed so early in pregnancy.  It sort of freaks me out.

Anyhow, other than these scary things that = too many doctor's appointments in the next 2 weeks, me feeling quite overwhelmed and me dealing with needles constantly, everything is AOK.  The little ones are officially fetuses now instead of embryos and they are moving around waving their little arms and their squirmy jellybean bodies looking almost like very miniature humans.  I think when I start to feel better and get through all this initial bullshit I will begin to feel a bit more excited.  

SO.  If you wanna chat reduction or diabetes, let me know.  You can email me, if you don't want to post publicly.  dearanxiety at gmail.  xo

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Going Public

Today I am 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  The last time I was pregnant, 8 weeks was the ultrasound where we found out our embryo was no longer alive.  That did not happen today, so we are feeling pretty confident that things might actually work out.

So, there are three of them.  Yes, you heard that right.  All three fucking embryos implanted and have continued to grow and have heartbeats.  !!!  No, I am not having triplets.  It is not an option for us for a variety of reasons.  One of the three is about a week behind in growth and development and with each ultrasound we think he will likely have gone away on his own.  He hasn't yet.  There is still time.

I have graduated, as of today, from the fertility clinic and am working on getting an appointment with my regular OB as well as a referal to a perinatologist in case we need to deal with that third little guy at the end of this trimester.

So, twins???  Maybe?  If everything continues to actually go well.  I'm still not holding my breath, as things continuing to go well hasn't really been how it has worked out for us so far.  But ya's seeming somewhat likely and good at this point.

In the meantime, these three make up one evil looking demon that makes me feel like shit at all times.  I'm trying to embrace the bad feelings, though, as best I can.  Three babies = hella hormones = so tired and ill feeling at all times.  (This photo is actually from a week ago, today they almost actually looked like tiny peanut humans, and less like a creeepy awesome evil ghosty.)


Monday, December 8, 2014


I've made a zine version of this blog and just wanted to let you all know.  It is much shorter than reading the blog start to finish, obviously - more of a self-contained story.  If you are interested, it is available on my etsy shop.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

This is It.

Haven't posted in ages - just haven't felt like writing lately - have mostly just been living and enjoying life and figuring out, on our own, how to process what we will do when this is all over, which will be soon.  Everything else has just been too awesome to focus any more energy on Infertility than I have to.

Our final FET is soon - transfering the three healthy blastocysyts we have frozen.  I can't really bear for everyone to be following along as closely as before, so I'll update you again someday and let you all know how it all went.  If you have questions or want to know more, you can ask me in more personal ways in more personal places.  If it doesn't work, I'm not sure what our plans are, but we have made an appointment to talk to someone who can help us figure it all out.

It's been a long motherfucker of a journey and I'm very tired.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

The Latest

1.  I am not pregnant.  I don't want to talk about it.  I don't feel sad.  I don't really care.  But I also don't want to talk about it or be consoled.  Got it?  Cool.

2.  The three embryos we sent off for testing are all healthy.

3.  There is nothing else that I know or really want to share.

Thanks for caring.  (Not sarcasm.  I know, it's hard to tell with me sometimes.)

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Numbers (A List of Lists)

The Plan:

  • Do an egg retrieval.
  • Take resulting embryos and the three frozen embryos we have leftover and grow them until they are 5 days old.
  • At five days, see if they have become blastocysts.
  • At five days if we have 3 or fewer blastocysts, just tranfer them then without genetic testing.
  • At five days if we have 4 or more blastocysts, send them for testing and freeze them, doing the transfer in a different cycle.

Reasons for plans to grow Embryos to Blastocyst instead of transfering at day 3 as we usually do:

  • I only wanted to do ONE MORE transfer.  Over this.  So over it.  
  • To maximize chance of pregnancy and minimize risk of miscarriage.  See following bullets.
  • Would like to test embryos before transfer to transfer only healthy ones, making another miscarriage far less likely.
  • Blastocysts have slightly higher chance of implantation than 3-day embryos.

Risks of this plan:

  • Many embryos will not grow to blastocyst outside the body, so you will always lose some.
  • The ones you lose are not necessarily "bad ones" that wouldn't have worked at day 3.
  • The one time we tried to do this before none of our 6 embryos made it to blastocyst.

How it Went

This Egg Retrieval:

  • 20 eggs
  • 16 mature
  • 15 fertilized

Eggs Retrieved from my ovaries so far:

  • 16
  • 20
  • 20

Eggs Retrieved from my ovaries so far that have become human babies:

  • 0

This cycle's embryos on Day 3:

  • 15 fresh +
  • 3 frozen and thawed =
  • 18 day 3 embryos

Embryo Quality on Day 3:


First number = scale of 1-4 looking at fragmentation.  
1=excellent, 2=above average, 3=average, 4=below average

Second number = number of cells, with at least 6 cells being a great number.
  • 2 8
  • 2 10
  • 2 9
  • 2 8
  • 3 6
  • 3 8
  • 2 8
  • 2 8 
  • 3 5
  • 2 6
  • 2 8
  • 4 7
  • 2 8
  • 2 8
  • 4 5


"excellent" with the following numbers of cells
  • 6
  • 6
  • 9

Stages for an embryo to go through before becoming a blastocyst:

  • plain old embryo
  • morula
  • early blastocyst 1
  • early blastocyst 2
  • blastocyst

What stage embryos need to be in to be genetically tested (by Day 6) OR to have a decent chance of resulting in a pregnancy if transfered on Day 5:

  • blastocyst

Embryos morning of day 5:

  • 8 - morula
  • 8 - early blastocyst 1
  • 2 - dead/plain old embryo/not mentioned so who knows

Difficult decision:

  • Transfer the three best that afternoon, although a very low likelihood of resulting pregnancy, and a risk of genetically unhealthy embryo becoming a pregnancy.  If we wait, there may be none to send for testing, and we would get not a single transfer/chance.  Dr. feels unlikely any will make it to blastocyst.  This retrieval was particularly painful (still in pain a week and a half later) and I would regret not even getting one try out of it or at least knowledge that they aren't healthy and thus aren't worth transfering.

Best 3 embryos at time of transfer on day 5:

  • blastocyst!
  • blastocyst!
  • early embryo 2

Difficult decision 2 of the day:

  • go through with the transfer anyhow because still not enough to make it worth genetic testing and still not looking promising that more will grow.  A gamble, with the downside being that we, again, still don't know about the genetic health of embryos, hence risk another miscarriage. 
  • Transfered 3 embryos - Friday July 18th - day 5

Embryos morning of day 6:

  • 3 = blastocysts - sample cells sent off for testing and then embryos frozen and waiting
  • 12 = not blastocysts -sent to wherever bad embryos go
  • 3 = in my uterus so who knows

Final Thoughts:

  • Of course, had I know that 3 more would be champs, I wouldn't have had the transfer on day 5.  Would way rather have sent 5 or 6 off for testing and tranferred only healthy ones in one transfer.
  • But we made the best decisions with what we knew.
  • If the ones inside me do not result in a child, and any of the 3 sent for testing are healthy (we will know in about a week) then I will likely do another fucking transfer.

Next Steps if None of that Works:

  • We have a lot of thinking to do and I don't feel like sharing publicly where we are with all of that yet, as we are really in a state of flux in terms of where we want to go next.  Far less sure than we felt before about further plans.
  • If you know a good Bay Area therapist who specializes in Infertility, let me know.  

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Shifting Focus

Ugh.  I am feeling totally over talking about this these days.  I just am.  There is plenty of more interesting stuff going on my life.

Anyhow, I'm about to start up this one last (I really hope I mean it this time) egg retrieval and transfer.  The transfer is up in the air as to if it is fresh or frozen, 3-day or 5-day etc because it depends on what we get and how they grow.  Nothing like a little more up-in-the-airness in the midst of the most horrific up-in-the-air ongoing process ever.

So, here's my schedule, including such excitement as:
  • First Lupron shot the night of my 20 year high school reunion when I'm not only out of town in Columbus, but out of town from Columbus in Bellville.  (Ohio, that is.)
  • First night of a all the stim shots when Ian and I are staying in a delightful treehouse in the Santa Cruz Mountains.
  • Blood draw at 11am during our weekend away in Santa Cruz, which = a two hourish drive in each direction so that a needle can be quickly stuck into arm.