Wednesday, February 25, 2015


Well, Ian is officially hella outnumbered in our house, cause we've got two girl fetuses!  Ian will soon have one wife, three hens, a ladycat and two daughters.

Today we just got a quick peek at them and only two photos.  A double brain photo and a thumb sucker.  In two weeks we have the big appointment where they measure everything and really make sure everything is AOK.  So far they look good, though.

Every day my gut grows larger.

Ignore the mullet - it's getting chopped on Saturday.  Ignore the giant nasty chin zits.  I assume they'll go away eventually after I give birth someday.  Ignore the stupid face and cat shirt.  That shit's never going away.  Have you met me?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Now what?

Is it dumb/boring/disrepectful to those still suffeirng if I keep posting pregnancy crap here?  Should I start a new page?

I had more scans today, and everything still looks good.  This tech thinks they look like 2 girls.  The last thought it was one of each.  I was gonna go with #brendaandbrandon, but now it might not be so accurate!

Anyhow, here are a couple of photos of babies and my gut.  Baby A would only show its brain, not its face.  Baby B was showing off everything!

I really do want to hear if people would want me to keep posting stuff here or not.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Almost 14 Weeks

Just wanted to give a quick update.  I'm at 13 weeks and 5 days and everything is looking good.  We have ultrasounds every two weeks at this point, so I'm never going to have to go very long without getting reassured that these guys are doing AOK.

Our reduction was successful and complication free and I am happy to talk about it in more detail to anyone who is curious or facing a decision about such things.  I now have two healthy looking fetuses growing in there.  Today they were waving their tiny little arms all over the place at us!  Saw my beloved Dr. Norrell and talked about all the ways the birth of these twins might go, so we're getting ahead of ourselves in a good way!

I lost a lot of weight in the first trimester (which I am technically in for another week or so) - was pretty awful sick all the time, but am finally feeling better and am able to eat.  Overnight between Saturday and Sunday my belly suddenly became unfamiliar to me.  Basically I look like I have a little beer belly, but it isn't!  

Twin pregnancy is definitely different than single pregnancy.  I have a LOT of appointments, and am with a doctor more often than a midwife.  TWO BABIES WOAHS!

I spent most of the past week in Chicago having one of the most amazing experiences of my life as a member of the 2015 Caldecott Committee and now am back home and getting back to normal.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

I don't have a ton of time at the moment, but I'm hoping to find people to chat to who have dealt with either of the following things, both of which I am dealing with.

1.  A reduction.  Mine is scheduled for the 21st of January.  I have 0 qualms about it in terms of the decision, but am scared of it in terms of the needle through my stomach and 3 days of bedrest.

2.  Gestational Diabetes, which I am apparetly *already* being diagnosed with.  Hurray?  I won't have details until the 20th, when I have an appointment, but I'd love to chat if you had this. Especially if it was diagnosed so early in pregnancy.  It sort of freaks me out.

Anyhow, other than these scary things that = too many doctor's appointments in the next 2 weeks, me feeling quite overwhelmed and me dealing with needles constantly, everything is AOK.  The little ones are officially fetuses now instead of embryos and they are moving around waving their little arms and their squirmy jellybean bodies looking almost like very miniature humans.  I think when I start to feel better and get through all this initial bullshit I will begin to feel a bit more excited.  

SO.  If you wanna chat reduction or diabetes, let me know.  You can email me, if you don't want to post publicly.  dearanxiety at gmail.  xo

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Going Public

Today I am 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  The last time I was pregnant, 8 weeks was the ultrasound where we found out our embryo was no longer alive.  That did not happen today, so we are feeling pretty confident that things might actually work out.

So, there are three of them.  Yes, you heard that right.  All three fucking embryos implanted and have continued to grow and have heartbeats.  !!!  No, I am not having triplets.  It is not an option for us for a variety of reasons.  One of the three is about a week behind in growth and development and with each ultrasound we think he will likely have gone away on his own.  He hasn't yet.  There is still time.

I have graduated, as of today, from the fertility clinic and am working on getting an appointment with my regular OB as well as a referal to a perinatologist in case we need to deal with that third little guy at the end of this trimester.

So, twins???  Maybe?  If everything continues to actually go well.  I'm still not holding my breath, as things continuing to go well hasn't really been how it has worked out for us so far.  But ya's seeming somewhat likely and good at this point.

In the meantime, these three make up one evil looking demon that makes me feel like shit at all times.  I'm trying to embrace the bad feelings, though, as best I can.  Three babies = hella hormones = so tired and ill feeling at all times.  (This photo is actually from a week ago, today they almost actually looked like tiny peanut humans, and less like a creeepy awesome evil ghosty.)


Monday, December 8, 2014


I've made a zine version of this blog and just wanted to let you all know.  It is much shorter than reading the blog start to finish, obviously - more of a self-contained story.  If you are interested, it is available on my etsy shop.

Saturday, November 15, 2014

This is It.

Haven't posted in ages - just haven't felt like writing lately - have mostly just been living and enjoying life and figuring out, on our own, how to process what we will do when this is all over, which will be soon.  Everything else has just been too awesome to focus any more energy on Infertility than I have to.

Our final FET is soon - transfering the three healthy blastocysyts we have frozen.  I can't really bear for everyone to be following along as closely as before, so I'll update you again someday and let you all know how it all went.  If you have questions or want to know more, you can ask me in more personal ways in more personal places.  If it doesn't work, I'm not sure what our plans are, but we have made an appointment to talk to someone who can help us figure it all out.

It's been a long motherfucker of a journey and I'm very tired.