Monday, April 20, 2015

24.5 weeks - A Long Update

Sorry that I haven't posted in awhile.  I'm still here!  We're all still here!

So, hmm...where to start.  I think it has finally really settled in that this is happening and is going to be OK.  We've had some scares along the way and I think I really wasn't able to process this (I'm still not able to fully process it, if I'm honest) until pretty recently.  I find myself bursting into tears for little reason in the past few days, and I think it's just really actually hitting me that there are two humans living inside of me and that they are our daughters and they really exist and will be part of our lives from now on.  They are going to be babies and then they won't be babies anymore and they are going to be sisters and they are going to be cousins to my nieces and nephews and they will have personalities and will look like people and I am so unbelievably grateful and I don't think I can even begin to explain how unreal it still sometimes feels.

I have been able to feel them squirming around inside of me for a couple of weeks and can occasionally feel them from the outside when they are especially pokey.  That has helped make it real.  They are also reaching the point of viability, which makes me feel safer even though there is no indication that they want to come out any time soon. (I get my cervix and fluid checked every two weeks - although I'm about to graduate to every month - and nothing has changed since day 1. Everything is holding tight.)

The Scary Less Fun Things

I had been feeling pretty safe, since I get an ultrasound every two weeks, but we did have some not so fun moments.  Most people have to wait months between ultrasounds early in the pregnancy, so I think I was feeling safe because we saw them every two weeks and they always seemed AOK.  But, we found out, at our big mid-pregnancy ultrasound when they really looked closely at everything, that baby A has a marginal cord insertion (and was thus almost a week behind in size) and a VSD (a particular kind of hole in her heart).  We were rushed to get fetal echocardiagrams and to talk with the cardiologist, a geneticist and the same neonatalogist who had done our reduction.  At this point I was about 18.5 weeks and felt some real fear that one of the babies was not actually going to be OK.  It was pretty much the worst.  An appointment we exptected to take a couple of hours ended up taking all day and we just had to roll with it and figure out what was up.  Part of the fear was figuring out if the VSD was a sign of bigger issues - a more major heart defect or syndromes that would cause all sorts of other potential problems.

Long story made very short - it seems that everything is fine.  She is continuing to grow, so the marginal cord insertion is not causing her to be so small that it will be an issue.  She will be smaller than her sister, but that's OK.  I'm smaller than mine, and we are fine.  :)  The VSD is still there, but it is tiny and not life-threateneing and may not ever even need treatment and there is nothing that indicates that anything else is wrong.  We have a follow-up Echocardiogram on Thursday where the cardiologist will double check that everything is still fine.

We also had a less experienced tech at one appointment think that I perhaps had placenta previa, but that does not seem to be the case, thankfully.  Another scare for me, though.

The Gestational Diabetes thing isn't the most fun, but I'm managing it.  My first trimester was so awful and I lost so much weight that I am just now passed my pre-pregnancy weight by a couple of pounds.  I definitely look pregnant now, but I haven't really gained weight anywhere but my gut, and even my gut isn't as huge as I expected with two babies in there.  So, that's been nice.  It is growing at a rapid pace now, so we'll see.  These babies have to grow to 4x the weight they each are now before they come out, so I guess that means I will have 4x as large a belly.

In the meantime I'm feeling pretty good...don't sleep super well, and have pain in my feet (my heels), but have very very little to complain about.

Due Date Schmue Date

My "due date" is August 8th (which = 40 weeks), but twins tend to come on average at around 36 weeks and at 38 weeks we start talking about inducing, so the due date is even more meaningless than normal in this case.  Expect to see babies in early-mid July, I'm guessing.

We have names that we are pretty confident about, but we aren't telling until after they get here, so feel free to get your guessing on.  For now, we call them Mary-Kate and Ashley.  Or just A and B (since that is how they are referred to in all medical settings).  Baby A = Ashley.  She is on my left side (my right side if you are looking at me) and is currently head down.  Baby B = Mary Kate.  She is on my right side and has her butt RIGHT in her sister's face.  They are each in their own sacs and have their own placentas, but the membrane between them is thin and apparently they can interact.

Some Photos, Perhaps?

About a month ago when I was super psyched to realize that the Ryan Gosling shirt still fit.  YAY!  (It still fits, actually, but it is getting snug.)

24 week photo.  Ignore my face - I look like a total dweeb.  Anyhow, this was Saturday morning.

Do people go to Palm Springs for reasons other than hunting down amazing vintage caftans?  Hmmm.  Confusing.  This is what I wore to a wedding on Saturday and felt pretty good about it.

The room that I've finally stopped calling the "As Yet Unconceived Baby Room" is actually two rooms and this is the little back part, which the cat is testing out.  We're getting there.  

The bigger front room will be full of cribs and dressers and such and it is just getting started.  It is further along than this now, but I had to show off the triangles we painted cause we are so DIY.  

It's getting harder to get pictures of them because they are big and squished in there.  But here's a bit of a profile of Baby B aka Mary Kate from about a week and a half ago.  

It is futile to try to resist the temptation of tiny pants. 

Wednesday, February 25, 2015


Well, Ian is officially hella outnumbered in our house, cause we've got two girl fetuses!  Ian will soon have one wife, three hens, a ladycat and two daughters.

Today we just got a quick peek at them and only two photos.  A double brain photo and a thumb sucker.  In two weeks we have the big appointment where they measure everything and really make sure everything is AOK.  So far they look good, though.

Every day my gut grows larger.

Ignore the mullet - it's getting chopped on Saturday.  Ignore the giant nasty chin zits.  I assume they'll go away eventually after I give birth someday.  Ignore the stupid face and cat shirt.  That shit's never going away.  Have you met me?

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Now what?

Is it dumb/boring/disrepectful to those still suffeirng if I keep posting pregnancy crap here?  Should I start a new page?

I had more scans today, and everything still looks good.  This tech thinks they look like 2 girls.  The last thought it was one of each.  I was gonna go with #brendaandbrandon, but now it might not be so accurate!

Anyhow, here are a couple of photos of babies and my gut.  Baby A would only show its brain, not its face.  Baby B was showing off everything!

I really do want to hear if people would want me to keep posting stuff here or not.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Almost 14 Weeks

Just wanted to give a quick update.  I'm at 13 weeks and 5 days and everything is looking good.  We have ultrasounds every two weeks at this point, so I'm never going to have to go very long without getting reassured that these guys are doing AOK.

Our reduction was successful and complication free and I am happy to talk about it in more detail to anyone who is curious or facing a decision about such things.  I now have two healthy looking fetuses growing in there.  Today they were waving their tiny little arms all over the place at us!  Saw my beloved Dr. Norrell and talked about all the ways the birth of these twins might go, so we're getting ahead of ourselves in a good way!

I lost a lot of weight in the first trimester (which I am technically in for another week or so) - was pretty awful sick all the time, but am finally feeling better and am able to eat.  Overnight between Saturday and Sunday my belly suddenly became unfamiliar to me.  Basically I look like I have a little beer belly, but it isn't!  

Twin pregnancy is definitely different than single pregnancy.  I have a LOT of appointments, and am with a doctor more often than a midwife.  TWO BABIES WOAHS!

I spent most of the past week in Chicago having one of the most amazing experiences of my life as a member of the 2015 Caldecott Committee and now am back home and getting back to normal.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

You Take the Good, You Take the Bad

I don't have a ton of time at the moment, but I'm hoping to find people to chat to who have dealt with either of the following things, both of which I am dealing with.

1.  A reduction.  Mine is scheduled for the 21st of January.  I have 0 qualms about it in terms of the decision, but am scared of it in terms of the needle through my stomach and 3 days of bedrest.

2.  Gestational Diabetes, which I am apparetly *already* being diagnosed with.  Hurray?  I won't have details until the 20th, when I have an appointment, but I'd love to chat if you had this. Especially if it was diagnosed so early in pregnancy.  It sort of freaks me out.

Anyhow, other than these scary things that = too many doctor's appointments in the next 2 weeks, me feeling quite overwhelmed and me dealing with needles constantly, everything is AOK.  The little ones are officially fetuses now instead of embryos and they are moving around waving their little arms and their squirmy jellybean bodies looking almost like very miniature humans.  I think when I start to feel better and get through all this initial bullshit I will begin to feel a bit more excited.  

SO.  If you wanna chat reduction or diabetes, let me know.  You can email me, if you don't want to post publicly.  dearanxiety at gmail.  xo

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Going Public

Today I am 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant.  The last time I was pregnant, 8 weeks was the ultrasound where we found out our embryo was no longer alive.  That did not happen today, so we are feeling pretty confident that things might actually work out.

So, there are three of them.  Yes, you heard that right.  All three fucking embryos implanted and have continued to grow and have heartbeats.  !!!  No, I am not having triplets.  It is not an option for us for a variety of reasons.  One of the three is about a week behind in growth and development and with each ultrasound we think he will likely have gone away on his own.  He hasn't yet.  There is still time.

I have graduated, as of today, from the fertility clinic and am working on getting an appointment with my regular OB as well as a referal to a perinatologist in case we need to deal with that third little guy at the end of this trimester.

So, twins???  Maybe?  If everything continues to actually go well.  I'm still not holding my breath, as things continuing to go well hasn't really been how it has worked out for us so far.  But ya's seeming somewhat likely and good at this point.

In the meantime, these three make up one evil looking demon that makes me feel like shit at all times.  I'm trying to embrace the bad feelings, though, as best I can.  Three babies = hella hormones = so tired and ill feeling at all times.  (This photo is actually from a week ago, today they almost actually looked like tiny peanut humans, and less like a creeepy awesome evil ghosty.)


Monday, December 8, 2014


I've made a zine version of this blog and just wanted to let you all know.  It is much shorter than reading the blog start to finish, obviously - more of a self-contained story.  If you are interested, it is available on my etsy shop.