Halfway Through Waiting

I realize that I didn't mention that I test next Tuesday, and I've had a few people ask me, so I just wanted to share that information.  Ian and I may or may not test at home before then, as a home pregnancy test result should be quite valid on Saturday.  I may or may not post results here immediately, depending on what results are and how I am feeling.  If I get good results, I may want to wait for actual beta numbers from the blood test before posting.  I may want to speak to my family first.  If I get bad results, I may feel like mourning alone for a minute.  I may feel like mourning with a small number of people.

It's one of a million ways I feel torn in two directions by the emotions of this process.  On one hand, I love so much how many people reach out and ask and check in and send thoughts and love.  It is really nice.  Please keep doing that!  :) On the other hand, it is hard sometimes to feel like I owe news to so many people and like so many people are let down by the news when it is bad.  So, if you poke me and I don't answer, know that I still appreciate the poke!  It just might not be the time or way I want to share news, (which I may or may not have yet to share), at that moment.  Your "sending good thoughts today!" is appreciated even if I already found out 2 days earlier that it is bad news.  I just might not be ready to reply to it.

So, all that said, check back here on Tuesday.  If there's nothing posted here yet, it probably means I'm not quite ready to share.  If there is, well, then you'll know!  And thanks for all the love.  I'm sort of continually amazed that so many people give a shit at all.  It's truly a gift - the friends and family in my life.  I appreciate you all.

(For those who wonder, I have no idea if it has worked - although at this point it already either has or hasn't.  I have no real symptoms to speak of.  Have had a cold for days, but nothing otherwise beyond the norm.  That's good news for me not having a ton of shit to constantly overanalyze and google all day long!)