Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk

I have a few vices.  Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk are not them.

My song would be more like, "Too much coffee and some red wine..."  Which I have continued to enjoy during this two week wait.  I think I'm in a lot more denial this time than I was during my last cycle.  Last night Ian and I were trying to decide when to take the home pregnancy test (you may remember this discussion from last time) and I was just like, "I DON'T WANNNNNA!!!"  whine whine whine.  It's so funny, because I see so many women who are basically addicted to peeing on sticks, and I am so the opposite.  I think there must be two camps of us inftertiles, those for whom the testing makes them feel in control, and those for whom it doesn't. This time more than ever, I just don't want to test.  In the end, I think we may do it tonight, first morning urine be damned.  If I'm pregnant, it should show up even tonight because I'm at 13dp3dt, which is a solid 2 days past when my period would be due if I wasn't on progesterone, and I have good early response tests.  That seemed less unpleasant to me than doing it either this morning or tomorrow morning before my blood test.  I think I just don't want to find out and then go to work, maybe?

Anyhow, back to my vices.  I think it's worth noting that I've continued to drink more than 1 cup of coffee most days and have enjoyed three, yes three, glasses of wine so far during these two week proving that I'm at least doing a great job of convincing myself that I don't care.  Or maybe, more accurately, I'm telling myself that I can drink wine and coffee because of course I'm not pregnant and this cycle hasn't worked in secret superstitious hope that this means I *am* pregnant and am just being a little bit naughty this time.  Cause being super good and uptight didn't do me any good last time.  Who knows.

In the meantime, I continue to have on and off cramping, which each time it happens make me even more sure that I am not pregnant, in spite of the knowledge that many many women have cramping in early pregnancy, AND that the PIO causes cramping.  It just feels EXACTLY THE SAME as every other cycle.  So, I can't do anything other than assume EXACTLY THE SAME outcome.  I don't have any other symptoms.  None.  No nausea, no sore boobs, no zits, nothing.  Ya know, other than that giant ache of a rear end/lower back that follows me everywhere I go.  But that's not so much a symptom as an expected outcome of sticking giant needles in your body daily.

I have really successfully avoided googling this time.  I've, once or twice, done the ol' 6dp3dt style googling, but it has been totally unsatisfying.  At this point I know everything the Internet says, and it does nothing to reassure me anymore.  I think I'm just hitting the point of being far enough along in this process that I likely won't really believe I am capable of being pregnant and becoming a mother until I am holding a baby.  My own baby. (Sorry other babies - I do still like holding you all, though, babies of the world).

So, that's me today.  Ian is, I swear, working on answers to his questions.  I really hope to get them up before we leave for Switzerland on Saturday.  If not, then in the new year.


  1. I completely understand! I am in the POAS addict camp; I don't know why it comforts me more. Even when it's negative, I at least have this knowledge. Although I would prefer the alternative, POAS works for me. Sometimes you just have to do what works for you! Although, secretly, I've been dying for you to poas as well :oP

  2. best of luck. your good attitude is an inspiration. i used to have a great sense of humor, but the progestrone steals my soul. im glad im being forced to take a break for a bit. maybe i'll get laughting again. much love to you.

  3. I'm in the same pee camp as you. In our 2 year journey I have peed on exactly 3 tests. For me it's more of the let down and sense of failure I have felt when I saw the negative. But then the feeling of, "but wait...I haven't gotten my period yet, so maybe it's a false negative." Such a mind game.
    Anyway, wishing you much luck!