12-12-12

Time passes differently for me than it used to.  I am sure this is the same for many people dealing with infertility, and even for people just trying to conceive who haven't hit major obstacles.  Our version is just extreme.  I think of almost every date in terms of baby-making and how it hasn't happened yet.  Each significant date is a reminder of how much time this has been going on for me and how I am still not sure when it will end.  Today is 12-12-12, which would be an awesome day for a baby to be born, or so I hear as people on my various social networks have kindly pointed out over the last weeks to the very pregnant women also on these networks.  You know what that does for me?  It makes me remember how excited I was when I realized that my ovulation schedule was timed perfectly for a potential due date of 11-11-11 if I had gotten pregnant that month.  I, of course, didn't.  Nor did I the next month.  Not only did I not have an 11-11-11 baby, but I did not have an 11-11-11 pregnancy.   Now it's already 12-12-12.  Still not a mom.

For a long time I thought of events in terms of "if I have a baby then..., If I am pregnant then...., and if we are still trying then..."   Commitments to professional committees that require conference attendance, holidays that I like to travel for, potential visits from friends or family in the distant future, new job opportunities, even things like needed dental work... all fair game for that way of thinking.  It just seemed like I needed to plan my life that way because everything was so up in the air.  These days, I don't.  After two Thanksgivings have now passed by when I had wasted time during the previous year planning for them in that "if i..." way, I no longer bother.  Sometimes I catch myself going there, but I've definitely put up a wall on that genre of thought.  Now I just live acutely aware of the passage of time, and the lack of need, so far,  for me to plan my life around the major events of pregnancy, childbirth and new motherhood.