Where do we go from here?

The first, and very most important point of this blog post is to tell everyone how incredibly overwhelmed and touched I was by all the support I got on Friday and beyond.  I didn't reply to most of you (I don't know that I really replied to any of you) because I just sort of couldn't.  I probable never will, but I want you to know that every comment on the blog, every comment on the facebook page, every twitter reply, every text, every word or touch or hug in person and every email made my load a little bit lighter to carry, and for that I am incredibly grateful.  I am so so lucky to have so many people who care about me and Ian and I wouldn't trade my life, the good or the bad, for anyone else's.  Not in my darkest moments.   

I still feel sad and I have my moments of real grief, but I am feeling a lot better than I was, generally.  Aside from all the love and support, which was a huge help, I also felt much better after a phone call with my nurse, Olga, allowed me to start looking forward very quickly.  This provided me with exactly what I needed to stop merely dwelling on our failure, and to start looking at what our next steps will be.

Ian and I were anticipating having to wait several more months before we were able to jump into this.  We travel for Thanksgiving, for Christmas/New Year's, and I have my ALA Midwinter Meetings in January.  We figured that the clinic would want us to take a break between cycles and then all of this travel would kick in.  Well, it turns out that break isn't needed.  It seems that we can move straight into a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).  Hurrah!  

Olga spoke to Dr. Tran and called me back and said that he wanted to give me the option of a controlled cycle or a natural one.  With a natural cycle, everything is timed with my body's own natural cycle (hence the clever name).  The only medication I would be on is the Medrol (the steroid that helps keep my body from rejecting embryos as foreign material) and the Valium for the actual transfer.   With a controlled cycle, also cleverly named, my cycle is controlled by medication.  In this case I would be on birth control pills, similar to my IVF cycle, as well as an Estrogen patch and Progesterone injections.   I would not be on all the stims I was on in my fresh cycle, as I will not be trying to create a gazillion eggs in my tiny ovaries, and will not be going in with a needle to remove said eggs.  This is just a far less invasive procedure, pretty much like the second half of my IVF cycle - everything that happened *after* the retrieval.  

Anyhow, Olga and I agreed that because of the complications of my travel, if we wanted to get started right away, we would need to do a controlled cycle.  This way we could make a calender that will work with when I'm out of town.  I was told to start birth control on day 2 of my cycle, to call her and let her know when I get my period (it should start when I stop progesterone support), and she would work on a calender.

Well, apparently for some women it can take a week or 10 days to get their period when they stop the progesterone.  For me?  Three hours after my first missed dose.  So, there's that.  What does this mean?  It means I'm already on Cycle Day 4!  Olga will send me a calender today and we'll chat about it tomorrow.  Fingers super duper crossed that she can make it work for us!  

I am super nervous about the progesterone butt shots.  They are referred to as PIO because it is literally Progesterone in Oil.  Usually peanut oil.  These are injections that are very very different than the stomach ones I did before.  They are much longer and thicker needles, and they have to go into the top side of my butt.  Every single night.   I hear they hurt like a mofo.  I really wanted to avoid them.  But, apparently I did not want to avoid them enough to postpone this process.

And I guess that's just it.  There is a lot I am actually willing to do.  If that hasn't become quite obvious already.  So, we meet with Dr. Tran on November 7th and at that point I'll have more information about how an FET works.  I am curious how many embryos they thaw and how many they want to transfer etc.  We have 8 of them frozen, but I know not all necessarily survive the thawing process.  I'm curious for more details.  I have a phone date with Olga tomorrow to go over the calender, too, so at that point I'll have more information about what the timing of this will look like.

Olga told me that she and Dr. Tran have no reason to believe that this won't work for us eventually.  I am still young.  I responded really well to everything.  Sometimes it just takes a few tries.   

So, anyhow, yeah.  FET coming up.  If it isn't successful we'll see where we go from there.  I feel willing to potentially do another full IVF cycle and whatever frozen cycles that one would provide, if we don't have success with this one.  But, at the same time, I think I'll want to start talking Plan B at that point, simultaneously.  I'm getting ahead of myself here, though.  I really do hope we don't get to that point.  Man, though, is hope a motherfucker lately.