Friday, October 19, 2012

The Cat is Dead

I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a migraine and knew it was over.  It's my sure-fire tell-tale sign that my period is about to come.  Until that moment I had been so hopeful that all my symptoms meant I was maybe actually pregnant.

This morning, as planned, I took a home pregnancy test.  The result was negative.  My first IVF was not successful.   I took an Exederin.  Not on the approved list.

Ian and I had about an hour together before he left for work.  When he walked out the door, I lost it.  He got off his shuttle at the next stop and came back home to me.  He took me to the lab to get my blood drawn for the hCG beta test that I know is going to come back a big fat 0.   He dropped me off at work and took the car to Google.  And here I am.  I don't know if I'll be able to answer the phone when the nurse calls with my results.  Although I do want to know what our next steps are.   I still took my estrodiol this morning.  I still inserted my progesterone.  For some reason I feel like I shouldn't stop until they actually call and tell me to.

So this, right now, is when I start to feel conflicted about how open I've been about all of this.  At least now you will all know why I am sort of not OK...why my eyes are red and I am so sad and so quiet.  But at the same time, I know so many people were rooting for us, and I feel like I've let everyone down.   I posted on twitter this morning, "First ivf = failure.  Not pregnant.  Don't really want to talk about it, so if you see me, let's not."   And I don't.  I don't want to talk about it.  I am reminded of my last major breakup, a gazillion years ago.  That sense of wanting everyone to hear the bad news at once...not wanting to have to tell the sad story over and over again.

This hurts more than I thought it would.  So very very much more than any time in the past.  I feel like my heart is breaking.  I can't really breathe.  I know it won't feel like this forever, but it feels like this today.   I don't know how many times I can put myself through this.  

16 comments:

  1. So this might be weird and all.. but love you girl.

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  2. Oh no I am so sorry. Please know that you have not let anyone down, we all root for each because we are the best most caring women!

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  3. Oh man, you made me cry. I'm so so sorry that you are hurting so much. If there is one thing that I have learned this year it is life can't be planned.

    You are strong. You have the best husband in the world. I know there are no words of encouragement that I can offer, so all I can say is that I feel your pain and I send a hug and a tear.

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  4. my heart breaks with you.
    ive been here. im horrified at the prospect of another failure. i am so so so sorry that you are going through this. i am grateful for your openness and strength. THANK YOU for being YOU!!

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  5. oooh no - I am so sorry - :( wish we could change it for you
    -ox laura and josh

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  6. oh no!!!! So sorry to hear about it! Its okay, you didn't let anyone down at all. I will con't to keep rooting for you! go go!!!!You've got great support with hubby and friends and family cheering you on. :)

    sending lots of hugs! :P Have you looked into other options? adoption? surrogacy? etc. etc. Wish there was something I could do to cheer you up....:(

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  7. I'm so sorry. And I didn't mean to bum you out with my own bad news. Take super good care of yourself this weekend. Drive up to Point Reyes or Napa or something, get warm and cozy, drink some wine and just try to nest up? I know how it just feels like you've been raked over the coals and there's no hope. :(

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  8. Everyone here loves you no matter what. (especially me)

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  9. *hug* Much love to you both. Never give up!

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  10. Yes, everyone is rooting for you. I am, for sure, and I don't feel let down at all. Please don't regret your openness. It is an inspiration to those of us who may have to do this in the future. Thank you!

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  11. I'm so so sorry. I know the feeling of feeling like you've let everyone down but honestly - I don't think anyone sees it that way at all. I really hope you guys get some good time to take care of yourselves and each other, it's just so unbelievably hard.

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  12. I'm so sorry. Take your time to hurt and be angry and everything in between.

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  13. Hi! Found your blog via Stupid Stork. Sorry about your news. :(

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