The Cat is Dead

I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a migraine and knew it was over.  It's my sure-fire tell-tale sign that my period is about to come.  Until that moment I had been so hopeful that all my symptoms meant I was maybe actually pregnant.

This morning, as planned, I took a home pregnancy test.  The result was negative.  My first IVF was not successful.   I took an Exederin.  Not on the approved list.

Ian and I had about an hour together before he left for work.  When he walked out the door, I lost it.  He got off his shuttle at the next stop and came back home to me.  He took me to the lab to get my blood drawn for the hCG beta test that I know is going to come back a big fat 0.   He dropped me off at work and took the car to Google.  And here I am.  I don't know if I'll be able to answer the phone when the nurse calls with my results.  Although I do want to know what our next steps are.   I still took my estrodiol this morning.  I still inserted my progesterone.  For some reason I feel like I shouldn't stop until they actually call and tell me to.

So this, right now, is when I start to feel conflicted about how open I've been about all of this.  At least now you will all know why I am sort of not OK...why my eyes are red and I am so sad and so quiet.  But at the same time, I know so many people were rooting for us, and I feel like I've let everyone down.   I posted on twitter this morning, "First ivf = failure.  Not pregnant.  Don't really want to talk about it, so if you see me, let's not."   And I don't.  I don't want to talk about it.  I am reminded of my last major breakup, a gazillion years ago.  That sense of wanting everyone to hear the bad news at once...not wanting to have to tell the sad story over and over again.

This hurts more than I thought it would.  So very very much more than any time in the past.  I feel like my heart is breaking.  I can't really breathe.  I know it won't feel like this forever, but it feels like this today.   I don't know how many times I can put myself through this.