Thursday, May 31, 2012


This month is a rough one so far.  I've taken 3 days worth of my meds - 2 more to go.  They are affecting me way more than in the past.  I am so tired and so irritable, it's insane.  And not comfortable.  Especially when my job involves helping patrons and staff with a variety of concerns and questions all day long.   I am having a hard time getting out of bed and I'm having a hard time doing anything other than go to bed when I get home in the evening.  I know this is partly the medicine.  I suspect it is also partly due to my general mental state.

We are pretty sure - the doctor and I - that I am on Clomid, not Letrozole, based on the side effects I have and have not experienced - primarily that the side effects seem to be cumulative month to month.  At our appointment earlier this week to start this final cycle of IUI, I asked about upping the dose.  She looked at my information from the last 3 cycles and recommended against it, as it might cause hyper-stimulation (way too many follicles/potential eggs) and it could thin my lining (which has been thinning a little bit each month).

It was good to sit and talk with her and she looked over everything and said that in my case the study really didn't affect my treatment at all.  That she would have made all the same decisions if I was under her care outside the confines of the study.  So, that was good to hear.

I made an appointment with Dr. Tran for mid-cycle so we can start talking about next options for after this last IUI.  I'm going to take a month off.  Not a month off trying entirely, but a month off of trying with medical interventions.  Which would probably be necessary anyhow, since I don't know what is next and how it works and if we can go straight from an IUI cycle into whatever is next.  I just need a break from the blood draws and waiting rooms and missed work and last minute appointments.  It is so stressful to try to plan anything when I have so many appointments with so little lead time.  I need a chance to think about something else.  I don't know if I will be successful in thinking about anything else, but it might be easier.

Dr. Pittinger swears that she is getting me pregnant this month (with Ian's help, of course) and not sending me back to Dr. Tran.  I guess she can have the hope/confidence for all of us.  I can't stomach it anymore.   My heart can't take it.  My whole body can't take it.  In past months, I was feeling pretty good and quite hopeful during this early part of the cycle.  This month, not so much.  I am feeling worn out and beat down and with very little sense of humor left.  

In the meantime, there are babies and pregnancies everywhere.  Which I love.  But sometimes I feel sad when I know I should feel happy...just for a moment....a quick moment that passes.  But the guilt over each of those quick moments lingers much longer.

On the plus side, I have a much needed week off work.  If I get through today, tomorrow, Saturday - I am off to Napa with my parents and my dad's cousin and her husband and Ian.  There will be much food and much wine.  And 1-3 trips back into San Francisco for doctor appointments during the week (ARGH), the first one being Monday - the rest TBD.  But anyhow, relaxing!  That's what I'll be doing!  Not working.  Is good.  I really need the break.

I just re-read this post before clicking "publish" and it sounds so depressing.  I almost didn't post it because of that.  But this is the one place where I feel free.   So free I shall be.  


  1. You should definitely not feel guilty when you feel moments of brief sadness about other pregnancies & other babies - it's totally natural! I've felt those same feelings before (this isn't fair, etc.), albeit in a different situation.

    Just wanted to tell you that though, because you should always allow yourself to feel how you feel! No one would expect you to feel any differently.

    I think a month off (if it's even necessary) will be rejuvenating for you - both your body & your mind. Not feeling great physically can really drain you!

    Btw, I really appreciate how candid and honest you are in your posts. Thank you for sharing this experience with all of us, your honesty is one of your greatest assets as a friend.

    Sending hugs & hopefully we'll see you tomorrow night!

  2. I think taking a break is a great idea. We did 3 IUIs and 2 IVFs and we weren't going to do a 3rd IVF, even if we didn't get pregnant. And it took about 6 years in total. Part of it was financial considerations, part of it was ill health, but it was also that I wanted to have some kind of life outside of a doctor's office. After the first IVF, we went to Europe because we just wanted to have some fun. And we did! So don't feel bad about it. Take a break, take it easy, and then when you get back you can think about it again. And good luck this month!

  3. Hi Sharon, just wanted to say I'm reading and thinking of you. Sounds like a nice little trip to Napa and some time off work is just what you need right now. Hang in there these next couple days and enjoy your trip!

  4. Hiya Sharon,

    Best of luck this cycle. Cheering for you from Aus! Day 30 here. Only a few days left until probably a new cycle starts. i'm also sick of doctors offices etc already, it is hard to concentrate at work and everywhere. I'm having 10 days off work yay. Hope to come back refreshed. Enjoy you Napa trip! Jaime.

  5. Fingers crossed for you. I know it sounds generic, but relax and enjoy your time with family. I hope to see you Thursday night at the party. Huge hug! - Jenny