Today - a list

1.  My period finally showed up (yesterdayish), so I can more solidly move onwards.  So, there's that.  IUI Cycle Three beginning tomorrow at 10:15 AM for my first poke and prod of this go around.

2.  Ian is still away, but I am more OK now.  I had a couple of really bad days and really missed having him here to just  be with me.  Now I am at least forward looking.

3.  I am feeling sorry - like I need to be apologizing all of the time.  Because I fear this is turning me into a person no one would want to be friends with - boring, self-focused and negative (for my own self-protection).  So, I am sorry.  I am trying, I really am.  But I'm not very good at this.

4.  I finally starting using a stupid online support group listserve thingy, which I usually hate.  But I think it saved me over those last couple of days of the last failed cycle (especially with Ian gone).  Just got on a discussion with a bunch of women who were all having IUIs in April.  It was so good to read and interact with so many other voices that are in the exact same boat as me.  I have already joined the "May IUI Roll Call" discussion.  I also just spent like $60 on books that were recommended on another thread over there.

5.  I still hate all the abbreviations that everyone uses, just standardly, on these things.    I think it's part of what turned me off in the first place.  AF (Aunt Flo) and DH (Dear Husband or some shit like that) and BFN or BFP (Big Fucking Negative or Big Fucking Positive for test results).  It reminds me of how violently I hated and refused to use emoticons when people first started using them.  :)  I'm sure this, too, will pass.  ;P

6.  I don't want to talk about this when I see you, I swear, but it is sometimes hard for me to talk about much else, since I don't think about much else.  Talking about it doesn't really help.  Writing about it is good.  It makes me actually face the emotions a little bit.  Talking about it sometimes just helps me get stuck in my head too much.  I would love to feel like this was out of my head, for a day or an hour or even a minute.

7.  I hate showing too much emotion in front of people.  So often I find myself biting my cheek as hard as I can so I don't cry in front of anyone - at work, a friend, family, ANYONE.  (see #6)

8.  This is making my introvert tendencies come out even more (see #6 and #7)

9.  I hate hate hate feeling like other people pity me, but sometimes I just feel sorry for myself.  Not the regular old sad about a bad situation, but horrible self-pity.  You can see how that is an unpleasant cycle of hating pity, but pitying myself.

10.   I crave support, but I don't know how to receive support - it often makes me uncomfortable.  Support in writing is magic.  Support in person, I might act weird about, but it is also magic.   Even if it makes me bite my cheek and act awkward.  But make it quick, and then let's pretend everything is OK!  (j/k.  well, sort of.)  (see #6 and #7)

11.   There is a lot of guilt and shame for me in this.  Probably why I have a hard time thinking people pity me and why I have a hard time receiving support.  I have a lot of misguided guilt and shame in general, so it's not really surprising.  It's  part of why I'm trying to be so open and honest about everything that's happening.  Because I would love to get past feeling like this is something embarrassing that makes me a less good person.  I would love to not think that everyone wasn't secretly silently judging me.  But I'm not there yet.

12.  I wonder if I brought this on myself, since I've always had this weird sneaking suspicion I'd have a hard time getting pregnant.  I know that makes no sense.  But it's true.

13.  Tonight I am going to the ballet.  I put on a dress and leggings and a bright colored sweater.  I'm not wearing boots or tennis shoes.  Tomorrow I am going to UCSF again, all by myself, to get more drugs and to give more blood and to assault my body more.  Then I will enjoy the sunshine.  

Got the Call

So, my number was 3.7.  Which is a kind of number they don't usually see.  It was actually the doctor from the study who called, and I really really adore her, so I'm glad.  Basically, they consider anything less than 5 a negative.  But they are also used to seeing a 0 or very close to 0 if it is a real negative.  And since I haven't gotten my period yet, she suspects that this was maybe a very early chemical pregnancy.  That could have caused a little surge of HSG that would make my results be not quite 0 and might also cause a slight delay in my period, since my body would have actually potentially been preparing for pregnancy a little bit.

She also said that if I don't get my period within a couple of days, I should take another home test and call her either way.  But she expects that I will.  So that's that.  

Here's Some Bullshit

So, I went in yesterday, two weeks post-IUI for my beta test (blood, not pee).  It's the first time I've had one, because last month I got my period before the two weeks was up.  The story is that if it's positive, you come back two days later to make sure your numbers are going up (they should be basically doubling every day).  If it's negative, it's back to square one - call on day one of your period, and start the next cycle.  Well, they NEVER CALLED ME WITH MY RESULTS.

This is just sort of appalling to me.  First of all, this is super emotional.  I basically can not focus on anything else until I hear.  It doesn't matter that I pretty much know that it's negative.   It is still the only thing on my mind.  I didn't sleep last night because I kept dreaming about it.  And *they* don't know that I'm 99% sure it's negative, so it just seems wrong, insensitive, cruel etc.

Second of all, it's all pretty time sensitive.  Obviously.

What I think happened:  Gloria, the Study Coordinator, is on vacation.  So I worked with/talked to some other woman who I had never met before who is replacing her yesterday.  I did not get the warm loving vibe that I got from Gloria instantly.  Perhaps she doesn't realize that it's the Coordinators job to call with results?  Cause Gloria is awesome - she always calls within a couple of hours and lets me know what's up with everything.  Maybe if you aren't in the study, it's your doc who calls?  Or a nurse?  And this replacement lady just assumed that someone else had called me?

Either way, I left her a voicemail at about 4:30 last night.  She didn't call back.  They have been open since 8am this morning.  She still hasn't called back.  I called my Doctor's team and left a message with them (not the study people, but the original doctor who is still keeping an eye on things and who I will go back to if I don't get pregnant in the four IUIs) about 40 minutes ago.  So I'm hoping someone will get back to me eventually.

In the meantime, Ian is out of town, and I'm alone dealing with this.  Last night I had friends over, so at least I wasn't just sitting home by myself (thanks, friends!  Little do you know what you were doing for me....).

Anyhow, I took a pee test the day before (Tuesday) because Ian was going to be out of town, and that was negative.  And I've had pretty horrible cramps for the last couple of days - feels like it'll come any minute now.  So I am considering myself out of the game this cycle.  But until I either see blood, or hear from UCSF, there's always going to be this tiny bit of hope basically killing me.  

Sports Analogy

Since I went to a baseball game over the weekend.

It appears we are 0 for 2 in a 4 game season.

Luckily to be the pendant winner we only need 1 victory.  On to game 3, I guess!

Letting Someone Else Say it for Me

I think it would make a world of difference for me if everyone I interacted with read and understood and really believed the things in these two links.  The first one is great. The second one has some less relevant things to me...I don't actually feel all the things they mention.  But a lot of it rings true - especially the first 1/3 or 1/2 of it.  There's a part titled, "Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy" that I actually totally totally don't feel.  Which I'm glad of.  So complain away.  I'll let you know if that changes! 


Also, kindly always ignore the "Don't be Crude" section.  Cause if you know me at all, you know that crude = comfort.  Yep.  Crudeness ahoy!  I'll let you know if that changes as well.

But yeah, some of that other stuff is what's making me feel like locking myself in my bedroom, not talking to anyone, and crying all day.  Which, luckily I've been able to fend off doing so far.  But another month...two months....year...  of this.  Who knows?

*  Myths and Facts About Infertility

*  Infertility Etiquette

PS I do want to add this:  No one is trying to be insensitive, and I don't want to make people feel bad. Everyone tries to be kind and say the right things and most of the time, they do.  There is no person that I am upset at or thinking of in this moment.  It's a culmination of a lot of itty bitty teeny tiny things that just have hurt me over the past weeks that normally I would be able to brush off.  I appreciate and love you all.  And I know you all support me.  I just thought that it can be helpful to know HOW to support me.  Cause I know it's not that easy to figure out!  And I also have hormones raging through me that make me hyper-sensitive.  I'm not usually a crier, and I think I've cried at least once every day this week.

xxoo

today

i feel a little bit done with talking about this. at least for a minute. just feeling a bit raw and over-exposed and a little like saying, "it's none of your business" to everyone. i'm sure the mood'll change. but not today.

Second Try

Ok, send whatever flavor of good vibes you believe in my way today. IUI Second Try. Let's get 'er done!

Pendulous

Today I told a friend over lunch that I have pendulous gonads. She seemed amused, so I thought I'd tell you all too! Yeah, I've entered that day - I remember it well from last month - where I just feel a little overstuffed. Last month I had two giant follicles on one side. This time I have one on each side. So I'm hoping the discomfort will be less. Or at least it'll be spread out! I expect it to get worse over the next couple of days and then be relieved after my trigger shot.

As of this morning I've got a 15 and a 16 (follicle size). We need 'em to be 19. So I go back in Monday morning with the expectation that I'll trigger Monday night and have my IUI on Wednesday. My little guys seem to grow a little bit slower than the average of 2 mm per day. But they are still in the range of AOK fine in terms of timing. It just means that my trigger will happen on Day 14 of my cycle and my IUI on Day 16, which is a couple of days later than the average person.

I have this fear that my left side doesn't work. I have some irrational fears, but this one is relatively reasonable because we don't have proof that my left Fallopian Tube is open (the HSG showed it spasm, so we don't know for sure), I have this worry that it isn't. Which is why last month, when both my eggs came from the left side, I felt a little not great about it. So I'm really glad that ol' righty is kickin' in this month.... Just makes me feel better about my chances.

Fingers crossed etc.

Man, am I tired.

on money and worrying about it

So, we just found out that our new insurance does not cover infertility. At all. None. Ian's work just switched health insurance carriers as of April 1st because this new plan is supposedly so much better. And I'm sure it is for most things. But we just went from having 80% of infertility treatments covered (with us paying a max of $3000 a year out of pocket before insurance would pay 100%) to having 0% covered. Not the meds, not the treatments, not the office visits, nothing.

I found this out and immediately looked up how much a cycle of IVF costs. In case you wondered - it's about $15,000. I just started crying. I couldn't help it/couldn't stop it. It's just so fucking stressful. And it sucks. And I'm fighting to not be crying now.

We are so lucky to be in this study. We have 3 more tries at IUI before we have to worry about this, and I am so so glad that we have the costs of those covered by the study. Otherwise this would be far more upsetting. But if this doesn't work, and we move forward, we're on our own.

Ian is so so good and has just told me to not worry. He says, in fact:

Ian: whatever - it'll work out

if we need IVF either we'll pay $15k or we'll get someone else to pay it

all this shit is super fucking stressful and stupid

me: i know.

like it's not stressful and stupid enough for me without the added money worry part.

Ian: don't worry about the money part - I'll take care of it

me: i feel so guilty about it, though.

i know you hate this shit.

Ian: I do hate this shit, but you've got the other shitty half of this process to deal with.

So, what can I do? Try not to be worried about what might happen if we need to move out of the study and onto other treatment. That's all I can do. I can't not worry. But I can *try* not to worry. Cause it might happen, and it might not, and it's not doing any good to stress about it now. But that definitely felt a bit like a blow to the gut. Of which I can only take so many before I'm down for the count. Ya know?