Big Head Sperm and the Monsters

Just thought I'd post a longer update on what's going on with us in terms of next steps as well as mind-state.  I like to think that this blog serves a few functions:
1.  To help me get my thoughts out, my feelings out, and to chronicle a hard journey.
2.  To keep friends and family posted without having to repeat myself too often, especially the lows.  It allows people to follow as passively or actively as they want, so there is no such thing as TMI because you are choosing to be here.
3.  A place for me to receive comments, kind words, information and insight.
4.  To help anyone who may stumble on this blog who is going through anything similar - friends, strangers, etc, with the emotional aspects and/or with actual information.

So, here we go.

On Monday I go in for my Sonohysterography  and trial transfer.  The trial transfer is just to get the exact information needed about size/shape/location of everything so when they go to do a real embryo transfer they can complete it successfully by making their way into tiny spaces accurately.  The Sonohysterography is the saline ultrasound that will tell them more about the shape of my uterus and what might be inside of it.  This will tell us if there is anything there that could be causing problems and preventing implantation, so we can fix it, if possible, before attempting IVF.  I am partially hoping they do find something, because then there is something to fix which might make me more hopeful for future success.  BUT at the same time, finding something wrong will equal a surgery for me (scary) and a delay in moving forward with IVF.  So, I dunno.  It's all information, and information is good.

Ian needs to call and set up his Strict Morphology.  When trying to find out more information about what that means exactly, I came upon this image, that I'm a little obsessed with:

He might have two-headed sperm!  Or giant-headed sperm!  Or super weird pointy-headed sperm!  Who knew all the weird wrong un-penetrating shapes sperm can be??!? If he has any of these creepy spermy-types in too large of numbers, that means we'd likely need to do Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection (ICSI).  Basically, instead of letting the sperm find the eggs in a petrie dish, they will be injected directly into the eggs. Forced insemination.  INSEMINATING AGAINST THEIR WILL!  Anyhow, I don't know.  His sperm count and motility is really high, so I just assumed that meant the spermy mcsperms were fine, so it's strange, at this point in the game, to find out there is more that can be wrong.  

I like to imagine that a big-headed sperm creates a big-headed baby and a tiny-headed sperm creates a tiny-headed baby etc.  Truth is, I don't know if they would use those abnormal sperm or if they'd find the good sperm and only use those.  If it turns out this is a problem for us, obviously we'll get more information.    

We still have a lot to talk about and figure out in terms of how many IVF cycles we are willing to try.  There's a financial aspect to figure out.  There's how much I can handle physically.  There's how much we can each handle emotionally.  I am a planner and it's hard to not have a plan, but I am having to learn to take things as they come and to have no way to take control.  Ian and I are at different places in terms of imagining next steps.  What I require for coping is sort of the exact opposite of what he requires.  He needs to feel hopeful and trusting that whatever we are about to do is going to work for us.  I need to feel hopeful and trusting that when whatever we are about to do doesn't work, we know what is coming next and it is doable and OK.  Both of these ways of dealing with this process are fine, of course.  And so far we've always come together on any decisions and reached the same conclusions.  This is how our marriage works a lot of the time, in general, so it's no surprise that it's working this way now.

Ian has made sure that I understand that I have full decision making power over wanting to stop this process at any time due to physical concerns.  And I have made sure that he understands that changes he makes in his life for financial reasons are entirely up to him.  And we both know that we will come together and be on the same page about whatever decisions we make - and in some cases it may take time, it may take therapy, it may take tears, but we will be excited about whatever the future holds and whatever path we end up following to parenthood. 

So, maybe I'm ready to get excited about adoption just because I can't allow myself to get excited about IVF cause it's too near and too scary and too heartbreaking.   And maybe Ian isn't ready to give up on the "part me part you" aspect of a biological child because that's too scary and too heartbreaking.  And really, maybe this is actually the same thing - because we are both scared of being heartbroken and I still really really want to be pregnant and to have a baby that is genetically ours.  Otherwise, I wouldn't put my body through all of this.  I am also just ready to realize that I will be just as happy if that's not how it works out and that whatever child becomes ours will be ours no matter how it comes into our lives.  So, Ian and I - we'll end up in the same place when we need to.  And for now, we balance each other just right, I think.