Saturday, February 4, 2012

In or Out

One of the reasons I've been reluctant to talk about this all publicly (on Facebook, Livejournal, Twitter etc, let alone on its own blog) this whole time is that I have this weird feeling like it will ruin the experience. So many people have known we were trying for a baby and I love the idea of that moment, when we've made it past the first Trimester, and can be like, "YAY! WE MADE A BABY IN MY BELLY!" and everyone goes "OMGZ YAY!" and it's happy surprise fun times. Ian and I have talked about who we would tell prior to that 12 weeks - which people in our lives would know if we lost a baby etc.

So, I've been struggling with how that works with/meshes with me telling you every detail of fertility treatments, now that we are at this point. If I mention on this blog that they are turkey basting me up on a Wednesday, y'all are gonna wanna know when I find out if it worked. And then y'all are gonna wanna know if it did work. And of course, I could just wait and not tell you. But then it's sort of like if I suddenly order orange juice and decaf coffee instead of a mimosa and latte - I think the radio silence would be pretty obvious. I'm still not sure how I'll handle this, and it's something to talk over with Ian. I feel like there are two options:

1. I share everything, as I'm going through it. All the ups and downs.
2. I plan to go silent post my first IUI Cycle for a couple of months, so that either way I just am not talking about it. Then I can come back at some point and give a nice update either way.

If I go for option 2, I could continue to blog privately, and just post everything when it makes sense. Or I could blog about things that don't give away results. I don't know.

Maybe there is another option. Maybe I just order the decaf and OJ and go silent if I'm pregnant and I feel like going silent and not announcing until we're past the first trimester. And maybe you guys figure it out/guess what my silence means. And maybe that's just fine and a lot like how it'll look in real life, as well as on the blog. You can cross your fingers and wait to hear for sure and everything will be just fine.

It's very like me to overthink these things. It's also very like me to be worried less about how *I'll* feel sharing things, but about how you all will feel and react. Am I ruining the experience by sharing every detail? Am I denying you that fun a-ha moment? And why do I always go the negative route - like instead of feeling like knowing what I'm going through will make people extra-excited for me, it'll make the whole thing seem less special. Like I'm removing the magic by talking about this all. And maybe that means you won't love my baby as much? I don't know. It isn't the most logical.

But if I'm not the most logical now, well let's just call that a preview for how it's going to be when I have crazy amounts of hormones coursing through my body!

We went to our IUI Orientation yesterday and I do want to tell you about that. But I think that's a different post.

9 comments:

  1. Everyone's story is different- from how we conceive to how we handle pregnancy to how we choose (or don't) choose to deliver our babies. And from there whether or not to breastfeed, co-sleep or crib it, stay at home or return to work, let them cry it out or rock endlessly. And that's just all in the beginning. It goes on and on and on... and so far, I'm seven years in and it's yet to end. Bottom line is do what's right for you and your family in this very moment. No worries about anyone else. There is no book, no right road, no one way... despite what many assholes will tell you from here on out.
    Take care of yourself, your husband and your baby(ies) to be, first and foremost, with what is best for each of you in the moment you're in. I'm along for the ride with you- without judgement and with simply hopeful anticipation for peace and happiness.
    Oh, and as far as losing the magical parts? Never will happen. I can promise that. No matter which route you go on any of it, the magic is something that remains for all - Absolutely.
    Peace to you, friend. Now go do what you've got to do! ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. <3. Perfect comment. Thank you. Can I ask who this is? I'll take your amazing words either way, but would love to know. xo

      Delete
  2. If I was out with a friend and I knew that friend was going through fertility treatments, I'd think nothing of her ordering decaf and OJ since a lot of women who are trying to conceive abstain from things they'll have to give up during pregnancy anyway :) I wouldn't over-think things TOO much in regard to people analyzing your habits and food orders since your friends all know what you guys are doing.

    You also may find that the "let's wait til 12 weeks" thing flies out the window when the big moment comes - Gary and I agreed to wait and then we both immediately told a select couple of people because we felt like we needed the support no matter the outcome. Then about once a week or so, we'd have a "well, let's tell so and so..." moment. There really wasn't much of an announcement to make by 12 weeks!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Also, regarding the magic, I was blown away by the response that we received when we announced. People were over the moon when they found out because they know my lady parts are totally busted. I think it's the same for anyone battling infertility - when people find out, they're so happy for you because a) you went on a hell of a journey to get there and b) they're super excited by a baby that is so wanted.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for this. Exactly what I need to hear. I know this all logically, but sometimes I need someone else to remind me! xo

      Delete
  4. You know that we decided to just make the announcement because everyone knew when we were having treatments. When things went wrong that first time, I did question if we had made the right decision. In the long run, I was glad that the people around me (my co-workers etc.) knew what I was going through, as hard as it was to have to talk about it with people. Anyway, just a thought. You may have a completely different experience. Also, as you insisted when I was pregnant and made a similar statement, babies don't grow in your belly, it's your uterus!! ;)

    XXOO Jodi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I think this blog is a nice happy medium for me. The people who care enough to be bothered to find this and read it and pay attention are then, inevitably, going to be the people who find out a little earlier than the general huge population of, for example, facebook. It's like a self-selecting population of people who care about me.

      Delete
  5. :) I think that pretty much everybody has already said everything that needs to be said... in more eloquent ways that I feel currently capable of doing! I think you are totally right in your reply to Jodi, where the people that are reading this blog are the people that are really interested in you and what you guys are going through with all this... not just facebook friends that perhaps you went to school with once upon a time, etc. There is something strange that happens on occasion when fingertips reach for a keyboard, though, and that is that whatever you had originally intended goes straight out the window. I think that when the time comes, you will feel out what is the right thing for you to do. And that might be to shout it from your blog-top, or just disappear for a while. Both are totally okay. :) The important thing is to know that you have got a huge support network around you guys, no matter what happens. x

    ReplyDelete
  6. When Daryl and I decided to get help with our infertility, we only told two people, mostly because there was so much judging. (You would not believe how many people who aren't doctors feel qualified to tell you what you're doing wrong, why you're dumb for spending the money on it, and how you're not fulfilling God's plan or some such thing.) We had three IUIs and 2 IVFs, by the time we got the positive test results, we were still so sure something would go wrong we still only told those same two people. Finally, Daryl gave up the secret to a few more friends at around 12 weeks and then we told everyone at 14 weeks. I'm still worried something will go wrong, but after each ultrasound I feel better. I don't know if I'll feel like it really worked until the baby is born.--Alice Yoon

    ReplyDelete