Thursday, February 14, 2013


I have really neglected this blog lately.  In part, I think I've been trying to live life normally, during this break from treatment cycles.  In part, I've just been hella busy,  and in part, I've been seeking support through other methods and haven't felt so much like sharing with the general public.

To touch on each of these things:

Living Life Normally
I have not been tracking my cycle, undergoing any treatments or tests, or even "trying" for the last month and a half.  So, there hasn't been much to report in this category, and it's been nice to have it slightly less constantly on my mind.  Slightly.

Hella Busy
Work.  Travel.  Visitors.  Death and medical issues of family members.  These things have all taken priority over the past few months as so much is going on with them.  I am an introvert, and so sometimes taking care of myself means withdrawing a little bit.  I hit a sort of threshold of interaction and if I go over it, I begin to feel drained all the time.  So with all of the above things going on, my threshold has been hit rapidly and online interaction of any sort puts me over the edge.  So, I'm behind on emails, I am behind on phone calls, and I no longer keep up on Facebook or blog reading (work-related, infertility-related, or just fun stuff).  It's just too much.  I've kept up with local friends as best I have been able to, but that's been pretty minimal too, of late.  This past weekend was the last of my travel for a minute, and the visitors have stopped visiting, and I hope my family members are done having bad things happen, so I may soon have more energy to direct in other directions.

Seeking Support
This is another place where a threshold has been hit.  I don't really know how to explain it, but it's a big one.  I feel my support system getting smaller and smaller for a variety of reasons, in regards to infertility.  None of it is intentional or the fault of the people who love me.  It's just that, I have been doing this for a long time now.  It has been a year (my next FET will be almost a year to the day from my first IUI) of actual unsuccessful treatments.  I think I have surpassed everyone I actually know who has been through infertility, if not in terms of length of time, certainly in terms of number of failures of procedures in this process.  So the successes I used to look at with hope no longer provide that anymore.

In addition, as I move into what must be like the 5th wave of people going through pregnancies and childbirth in the time that I have been trying, I find myself withdrawing more.  Now there is another new batch of friends who are actively or about to be actively "trying" and I just already feel like I have to take a step back from them, just in terms (and I can't emphasize this enough) of infertility support.  Not in terms of anything else.  But I just need to feel less of a huge loss when they become pregnant, not because I am not happy for their pregnancy and MOAR BABIES in my life, but because it is a change in what I am OK with expressing to them about my own process.

I just also think that at this point I don't expect anyone to be able to understand what I'm going through. I love the support I get from people and appreciate the questions people ask and knowing that everyone cares.  I am happy to talk about this stuff with almost anyone.  I've just stopped expecting people to be able to really empathize with my emotions, especially since I can barely figure them out myself from minute to minute.  Truth is, I also don't have the energy to take care of anyone else's emotions about what I'm going through.  I don't like feeling like people want to cheer me up, because it makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be sad.  I don't like feeling like people want to "let me" be sad, because sometimes I'm completely happy and not thinking about it.  I also just feel like this must be boring and tiring for people to hear about - I mean, it's boring and tiring for ME.  How can you keep up if I can't even keep up?  And even if it isn't boring and tiring, I feel like it is and worry that it is, so that colors how I can communicate about it.  I also don't actually want my friends to have to go through this with me...the ups and downs and highs and lows.  I don't want to be that friend.  So I share, in limited ways and with limited expectation of comfort.

Anyhow, the point to all of this is that I've joined and am now co-hosting a local Infertility Peer Support Group.  And these strangers - women who have nothing to do with my normal everyday life - they provide a comfort and a support that I need.  So, that's been good.  And it takes some of the pressure off of all of my friends and family to be understanding and supportive and "there" for me at all times.  I would like to be able to enjoy my life outside of this process without it coloring everything, so keeping this support system a little separate seems to help with that and lets me just enjoy my friendships.

So, what now?
Well, I'm getting ready to begin my next Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle.  The transfer should be sometime the week of March 18th.  Our plan this time is to grow all 6 of our frozen embryos for 2 more days so we have day five blastocysts.  The hope is that at least two of them will survive until day 5 and then we'll transfer the best 2 (or 1 if there is only 1) of them.  Day 5 embryos have a higher likelihood of implanting, but many of them don't survive to day 5 outside of the body, so until now it made sense to try with the day 3 embryos.  After two failures with day 3 ones it becomes worth the risk to grow them a couple more days and see what happens.

So, that's pretty much the plan.  If it doesn't work, we'll talk about doing another full IVF cycle, and we'll also probably start talking more seriously about adoption.  With another full IVF cycle, we would likely grow all embryos to day 5 and do genetic testing on them to be sure we were only transferring genetically healthy embryos.

Dr. Tran, when going over everything with us, has expressed that he still just thinks that the failures are "bad luck" in terms of the coin flip of success or failure in this process and not an implantation or embryo quality problem.  Each cycle will tell us more and give us a better idea of if that is true or not.

The only other thing worth pointing out is that my lower back still hurts quite terribly from the injections that I haven't done in almost two months.  So, that pretty much sucks.  I expect it will hurt for a long long time, and it's not going to get better when I have to start doing those injections again in about a month.

I can post my calender for this cycle like I have in the past?  Should I?  Do people care?

I will try to post more often now, especially now that we're gearing up!  I do love that so many people read this and care about the process.  I just needed a little break....

Oh!  And for Valentine's Day, I give you a little bit of Mr. Greg Dulli.


  1. Well, I'm right there with you. The waves of pregnancies and trying are really, really hard to watch. "Oh, your second baby? Ok." Meh.

    On the positive side (for you!) I do have a few friends who are now done trying after 5 years, without IVF - because they cant afford it. So even though you've had more failed procedures, the ability to even TRY them is a good thing.

    1. It's true...we are *really* lucky that we are able to try and without having to wait a long time between cycles. Eventually our insurance will run out and we'll have to reconsider everything, if I'm still even wanting to keep inflicting this shit on my body. But I think we have enough left for what we have planned, at least.


  2. <3 (don't know if that will show up as a heart, but you get the point :))

  3. I hear you! I officially started fertility treatments over a year ago, and I had my first IUI in May of last year. It only brings me hope when people have been at it as long or longer, but when it was a dose of clomid and a IUI- meh!

  4. I was wondering how you were doing. I'll be seeing a lot of Dr. Tran myself soon.
    Your descriptions were pretty right on with what I'm feeling and haven't been able to put into words...I get tired of talking about only this with people, and worrying about how they're feeling about me feeling this way, and rehashing everything. Sometimes it's just easier to not talk about it. We aren't telling anyone except for the required work colleagues about our cycle. I might regret this later, who knows.
    P.S. I would still be interested in seeing your calendar :)

  5. Sending supportive thoughts your way Sharon. Hoping for the best for you in the next cycle.

  6. Glad to have an update, but totally understand u needing a break. I think about u lots. Post the calendar and keep us updated when u feel like it. Xxooo

  7. Welcome back and totally understood about needing different things from different people/spaces. Take care of yourselves

  8. I am always interested. I am always thinking of you. And I am always in your corner.