The No New Phone Blues

This morning I woke up bright and early to try to get my hands on a Nexus 4, 16GB phone.  I broke my phone two weeks ago and have been using an old one with limited functionality.  (It seemed super fancy when I got it 2.5 years ago).  It has almost no storage and the headphone jack doesn't work.  Since almost all of my music listening happens through my phone, this has been frustrating, but ya know...it's just a phone.  Ain't no big deal.  Especially cause I knew I could buy the new Nexus 4 this morning and it was just a couple of weeks to hold out.

Last night, Ian warned me it sold out in Australia pretty quickly.  So, this morning I woke up bright and early and ready to go.  As soon as it was time and the phone was available, I hit the button and added it to my cart.  And the website went nuts and stopped working and it disappeared from my cart.  I hit refresh for about 5 more minutes until it showed up as available again, put it in my cart and the same thing happened.  Then it was gone.  Sold out.

Well, maybe this doesn't sound so traumatic to you, but I was, first, violently angry.  Then I got in the shower and cried my eyes out.  A little bit dramatic, perhaps?  Yes, I thought so too.  So, why?

First of all, I think there is some PMS happening here, so I'm sure everything I'm feeling is somewhat hormonal.  I stopped taking my birth control pill on Saturday night and am expecting a period any minute now and have some signs that it's on the way.

But, I think, also, this was such a little thing and such a not big deal that I allowed myself to feel a disappointment over it that I haven't really let myself feel much of when it comes to bigger things in my life.  Then, as soon as I let that disappointment in, it just washed over me along with the water in the shower (how poetic).  I have had a fuck of a lot of disappointments over the past year.  Fertility stuff being primary, but professional stuff too.  Big professional stuff.  Disappointments that I don't deserve, if I do say so myself, on any front.   Every time I start to feel like things are going my way, something else that I expected to go right, goes wrong.

I think that most days I just can't allow myself to dwell.  If I dwell on the let downs and the losses, how can I keep going forward?  How can I keep, for example, sticking needles into my stomach every night without guarantee that it just won't just lead to more of the same feeling of disappointment?  How can I invest time and energy preparing for the interview that I have on Thursday without that same guarantee?  I'm not a quitter, but disappointment sort of makes me want to quit, so, I think I push it away really quickly.  Today, though, it's sort of lingering and I feel cranky and crabby and scared and I don't know what to do with any of it.  Fucking Nexus 4.