Bed - 6dp5dt

I'm writing from my bed, which I swear I'm going to get out of soon.  I do need to get to work at some point today.  I just feel super crappy.   So I figured I'd blog, then shower.  Cool?  Cool.

The last two days have just been symptoms hell.  It's a lot of the same stuff I've felt in previous cycles, but like on crack - intensified like woah.  Fingers crossed that this is because we've got some implanting going on in there, but I'm not foolish enough to not realize it could just as easily be progesterone side effects (like every other time).  I'd describe what I'm feeling as crampy, pukey (not actual puke, just nauseous),  sweaty, dizzy, achey lower back, and a bad stomach (details not forthcoming).  I'm also super tired, but I feel like that, most of all, makes sense.  My body is working hard.  Anyhow, all of this, it comes and goes throughout the day in intensity.  Right now, it's not so good.

I posted, back in my first cycle, this chart for 3 day transfers. Here it is for 5 day transfer.  By today, I'm definitely either pregnant or not.  But I still have more than a week till my beta test, since UCSF tests on day 14pt.  Might test early.  But I also like to put off bad news.  So, we'll see what happens between now and then.

OK.  I don't have enough sick time left to lay here any longer.  God forbid I use my sick time because I actually feel sick, instead of needing to save it all for future doctor appointments, and having used it all on past appointments.  Awesome.

Anyhow, keep those fingers and toes crossed for me.  If I keep being "sick" like this because I have a baby growing in me, I will happily sit at work all day almost puking with a great big smile on my face.

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Tender

Just wanted to give a quick update, as I haven't had a chance to tell you how the transfer went.  So, two of our embryos survived to day 5, and we transferred them both.  One of them was a blastocyst, which is ideal for a 5-day old embryo, and the other was a morula, so a little behind, but still growing and doing ok.  The remaining four embryos did not survive to day 5, so these are our last two.  They are "up in there" now, hopefully all cozy and settling in.

I'm feeling pretty tender.  My back is tender (although I do think our new regimen is working better than our last regimen for keeping the buildup of fluid and thus soreness at bay a bit).  My belly is tender (my uterus, I guess?).  Tender is also probably the best way to describe my emotions.  So, that's sort of that.  Tender we go, treading delicately.

Here they are.  We've named them Lebohang (on the left) and Lance Blast (on the right).  If they become real humans someday, these names will not stick.

FET #2 Blast Off Time

So, my transfer is scheduled for 11am tomorrow.  I was hoping to get a massage before my appointment, but can't pull that off, due to the timing, but it's OK.

I've had 4 days of PIO injections now, and they suck, as predicted, and remembered.  Some nights after the injection I just sort of lay there and almost cry because I don't really have any other way of dealing with how much it sucks/physically hurts/rules my life.  We have a new plan for this cycle, and so far have followed it 4 out of 4 days.  Post injection we go for a walk.  Just a short one, most nights, around the block, or a couple of blocks down the street to the water's edge.  This gets my brain in a happier place, and it gets the PIO flowing and moving through my muscle so that the buildup of pain will hopefully be not as intense this time around.  Also, my husband is really nice.

Anyhow, our embryos were all thawed yesterday, so I'm just hoping they're thriving and growing and that we have at least two great ones left tomorrow for transfer.

I'm taking positive vibes and good thoughts and stuff.  Don't really believe in them, but like every other thing I've been doing just-in-case, they can't hurt and they sure make me feel better!

Refrigeration Drama and Plans

Hi y'all.  So, today marks the one year anniversary of my very first IUI and it was also my pre-transfer ultrasound and consent signing appointment for our upcoming FET.   We've been living in our house for nearly a year and today I had this moment of pleasure at the grocery store because all the staff know me and it feels so like a piece of my community and I had this moment of mixed feelings at UCSF because all the staff know me and I love them for being friendly and kind and remembering my name and story, but boy does it suck that this is also a piece of my community.

Last week, when Ian was out of town, our refrigerator died a painful death with ice cream guts spilling out on my hard wood floors. I went running to my neighbors with Folistim and Lupron leftovers in hand needing saving (hooray for friendly neighbors) in their fridge.  The Lupron that I was using every night went back and forth to work with me each day in a cooler.  I refroze the ice packs by day at work and kept the Lupon in my office fridge, and kept it in the cooler at my house by night. Ian ordered us a minifridge that arrived a couple of days later, and I put two things in it, with great pleasure:

1. milk for my morning coffee
2. lupron

So, you can imagine my horror when I went to pour my milk in the morning and it was slushy and freezing.  Yep, crap shit fuck, I quickly grab the Lupron and it is totally frozen.  Dr. Google, and every warning on the container told me it was not to be used if it was ever froze.  Crap. Shit.  Fuck.

Luckily I had leftover Lupron in the neighbors fridge, and the neighbors handed it over and I didn't miss a dose.  And we bought a new fridge which looks and functions a lot like the old fridge (before it broke).  But seriously?  What a pain in the ass!

You know what else is a pain in the ass? The phone call I got today from UCSF telling us we had used $19,696 of our $20,000 lifetime max infertility coverage. So, basically we're on our own now.  If you wondered, that lifetime max covered one full IVF, but we paid for the drugs ($4500) out of pocket, one Frozen Embryo Transfer, including drugs, and the drugs from one more Frozen Embryo Transfer (minus copays).  So thankful, yet again, that all our IUIs were totally free.   So, today we dropped $3099 for this cycle.  If this cycle doesn't work, well, I'll get to that later, but it's back to super duper crazy expensiveville and we need to figure out if/how we're going to manage it.

So, my transfer will be Wednesday (the 20th).  I won't know what time until Monday when they call.  I just took my last dose of Lupron into the stomach.  Starting tomorrow we're back to the horrific PIO back injections, with a couple new ideas from the nurse for ways to maybe make the pain build up less (cause...ya know...it STILL is pretty seriously sore from the last cycle and it's been almost 3 months).  She drew some more circles on my back because Ian is just more comfortable throwing darts at a bullseye than at a blank canvas (when the blank canvas has nerves and blood vessels inside of it).

Ready....Aim....

We're thawing all the embryos (6) and culturing them for 2 more days. We want to transfer two of them when they are day 5 blastocysts, so we hope at least two make it to day 5.  If we play the averages, 3 should make it.  Any leftovers will be refrozen for some potential use in the far future.

If this cycle does not work, our next step will be another full IVF cycle.  Although we may have leftover frozen embryos, they will be sort off like a chicken breast that has been thawed and then refrozen..technically fine, but probably not as delicious as before.  We also want to do genetic testing on any embryos we get from another fresh cycle and the charge is per batch.  So for about $3300, it doesn't make sense to test 1 or 2.  It makes sense to get a good fresh batch, biopsy them BEFORE freezing them, and then you aren't doing the whole freeze thaw freeze thing and you are getting your money's worth (with hopefully more than 1 or 2 embryos coming from the egg retrieval).  Not to get ahead of myself, but you know how I do.

I want to tell you more about my amazing support group and more about how much I still love Dr. Tran, but this is getting long, and I have a warm piece of pie (not a euphemism) waiting for me.  So, I'll save that for another day soon.

Oh! Speaking of not a euphemism - have I ever mentioned here how we are not even allowed to have sex during this part of the process?  And only with condoms for pretty much the entire cycle (aka why bother)?  Yeah.  If anyone ever tells you that making a baby was good for their sex life, they obviously were making a baby the old fashioned way (not in a petri dish).  I can not wait to write my new version of Where Did I Come From? when I get to the other side of all of this.

Anyhow, here's my meds etc. schedule.  Cause you care.

FET #2 - 1/2 Cycle Calendar

Based on comments I got yesterday in a variety of places, I wanted to post the calendar, since it seems like people like being able to see it!  So, here ya go.  Frozen Embryo Transfer - Take 2.  This is just the first half, as always.  If everything looks good at my appointment on the 14th (at 3pm) I'll get the second half of the calendar with all the details about the Progesterone injections etc.  

Neglekted

I have really neglected this blog lately.  In part, I think I've been trying to live life normally, during this break from treatment cycles.  In part, I've just been hella busy,  and in part, I've been seeking support through other methods and haven't felt so much like sharing with the general public.

To touch on each of these things:

Living Life Normally
I have not been tracking my cycle, undergoing any treatments or tests, or even "trying" for the last month and a half.  So, there hasn't been much to report in this category, and it's been nice to have it slightly less constantly on my mind.  Slightly.

Hella Busy
Work.  Travel.  Visitors.  Death and medical issues of family members.  These things have all taken priority over the past few months as so much is going on with them.  I am an introvert, and so sometimes taking care of myself means withdrawing a little bit.  I hit a sort of threshold of interaction and if I go over it, I begin to feel drained all the time.  So with all of the above things going on, my threshold has been hit rapidly and online interaction of any sort puts me over the edge.  So, I'm behind on emails, I am behind on phone calls, and I no longer keep up on Facebook or blog reading (work-related, infertility-related, or just fun stuff).  It's just too much.  I've kept up with local friends as best I have been able to, but that's been pretty minimal too, of late.  This past weekend was the last of my travel for a minute, and the visitors have stopped visiting, and I hope my family members are done having bad things happen, so I may soon have more energy to direct in other directions.

Seeking Support
This is another place where a threshold has been hit.  I don't really know how to explain it, but it's a big one.  I feel my support system getting smaller and smaller for a variety of reasons, in regards to infertility.  None of it is intentional or the fault of the people who love me.  It's just that, I have been doing this for a long time now.  It has been a year (my next FET will be almost a year to the day from my first IUI) of actual unsuccessful treatments.  I think I have surpassed everyone I actually know who has been through infertility, if not in terms of length of time, certainly in terms of number of failures of procedures in this process.  So the successes I used to look at with hope no longer provide that anymore.

In addition, as I move into what must be like the 5th wave of people going through pregnancies and childbirth in the time that I have been trying, I find myself withdrawing more.  Now there is another new batch of friends who are actively or about to be actively "trying" and I just already feel like I have to take a step back from them, just in terms (and I can't emphasize this enough) of infertility support.  Not in terms of anything else.  But I just need to feel less of a huge loss when they become pregnant, not because I am not happy for their pregnancy and MOAR BABIES in my life, but because it is a change in what I am OK with expressing to them about my own process.

I just also think that at this point I don't expect anyone to be able to understand what I'm going through. I love the support I get from people and appreciate the questions people ask and knowing that everyone cares.  I am happy to talk about this stuff with almost anyone.  I've just stopped expecting people to be able to really empathize with my emotions, especially since I can barely figure them out myself from minute to minute.  Truth is, I also don't have the energy to take care of anyone else's emotions about what I'm going through.  I don't like feeling like people want to cheer me up, because it makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be sad.  I don't like feeling like people want to "let me" be sad, because sometimes I'm completely happy and not thinking about it.  I also just feel like this must be boring and tiring for people to hear about - I mean, it's boring and tiring for ME.  How can you keep up if I can't even keep up?  And even if it isn't boring and tiring, I feel like it is and worry that it is, so that colors how I can communicate about it.  I also don't actually want my friends to have to go through this with me...the ups and downs and highs and lows.  I don't want to be that friend.  So I share, in limited ways and with limited expectation of comfort.

Anyhow, the point to all of this is that I've joined and am now co-hosting a local Infertility Peer Support Group.  And these strangers - women who have nothing to do with my normal everyday life - they provide a comfort and a support that I need.  So, that's been good.  And it takes some of the pressure off of all of my friends and family to be understanding and supportive and "there" for me at all times.  I would like to be able to enjoy my life outside of this process without it coloring everything, so keeping this support system a little separate seems to help with that and lets me just enjoy my friendships.

So, what now?
Well, I'm getting ready to begin my next Frozen Embryo Transfer cycle.  The transfer should be sometime the week of March 18th.  Our plan this time is to grow all 6 of our frozen embryos for 2 more days so we have day five blastocysts.  The hope is that at least two of them will survive until day 5 and then we'll transfer the best 2 (or 1 if there is only 1) of them.  Day 5 embryos have a higher likelihood of implanting, but many of them don't survive to day 5 outside of the body, so until now it made sense to try with the day 3 embryos.  After two failures with day 3 ones it becomes worth the risk to grow them a couple more days and see what happens.

So, that's pretty much the plan.  If it doesn't work, we'll talk about doing another full IVF cycle, and we'll also probably start talking more seriously about adoption.  With another full IVF cycle, we would likely grow all embryos to day 5 and do genetic testing on them to be sure we were only transferring genetically healthy embryos.

Dr. Tran, when going over everything with us, has expressed that he still just thinks that the failures are "bad luck" in terms of the coin flip of success or failure in this process and not an implantation or embryo quality problem.  Each cycle will tell us more and give us a better idea of if that is true or not.

The only other thing worth pointing out is that my lower back still hurts quite terribly from the injections that I haven't done in almost two months.  So, that pretty much sucks.  I expect it will hurt for a long long time, and it's not going to get better when I have to start doing those injections again in about a month.

I can post my calender for this cycle like I have in the past?  Should I?  Do people care?

I will try to post more often now, especially now that we're gearing up!  I do love that so many people read this and care about the process.  I just needed a little break....

Oh!  And for Valentine's Day, I give you a little bit of Mr. Greg Dulli.

The Boy Responds

So, my beta test confirmed what the home pregnancy test told us, of which I had no doubts.  Now I am just hanging out, getting ready to go on a lovely vacation, and waiting for my back/butt to finally feel a bit better.  Oh yeah, and I'm also busy turning 37 today!

In the meantime, here are the answers to your "Dear Boy" questions.  If anyone feels like they missed out and wants to ask him more questions or follow-up questions, I'm sure he'd be happy to answer them.

 Dear Boy:  I have heard from the super awesome alterna-famousish girl you're with that you are in many ways the solid positive anchor in the process.  Can you explain how you do it?  What's your theory (or perhaps secret)?  

I kind of do it out of necessity. There's a few layers of it. First of all the traditional patriarchal "I am the man so I am the strong one" expectation that in spite of all our radical politics I think continues to exist in some form. But mostly somebody's got to do it and Sharon's the one being filled with hormones and poked and prodded, so really it's up to me.

Sometimes I fail to be the "positive anchor" because I'm in a bad mood or feeling selfish but I hope I've kept that to a minimum. It can be hard when I am upset about how it's all going because I sometimes feel that I can't go to Sharon with it. Any of my complaints pale in comparison to her physical or emotional experience. 

The worst of it is probably that I end up turning down my emotions about the whole situation so that I can more effectively support Sharon through it. Sometimes she gets a bit of a numb bum and sometimes I get a bit of a numb heart.

I know it's totally open-ended, but I'm curious as to what his role is in all of your health stuff.  So he has to inject you in the bum, right?  But do you do the belly stuff?  and aside from that, does he come to every single appointment. or does he decide which to attend?

Until the progesterone shots Sharon was unwilling to let me anywhere near her with a needle. Until this cycle I've had an entirely non-medical role. Part of my role has been to "worry about the money stuff" which means shutting up about my frustrations with American's inefficient healthcare system and taking a new job that has some fertility coverage.

As far as appointments I come to all of the "important" ones - where we're talking with a doctor, or there's something more surgical going on (egg retrieval, embryo transfer). I think I've made it to basically all of our appointments this cycle and most of our appointments last cycle. Now that my work is an hour's drive the other direction it's fairly inconvenient to go to UCSF but I've managed to. When we were in the IUI study there were a lot of appointments that were merely a blood draw - I missed a lot of those because there wasn't a whole lot for me to provide.

For decision making so far we've been lucky enough to agree on basically everything. For things that affect Sharon's body (basically everything medical in this process) I feel like she has a veto, but for everything else I feel that we need to come to compromise or consensus.

How do you stay connected to/engaged in the process?  

As I said in an earlier answer, I end up disengaging to some extent to be able to provide support.  I'm not a writer and less into sharing my personal feelings on the Internet.

I have found that having a job this cycle (injection PIO) has made me a lot more aware of the rest of the stuff that Sharon is doing (synthroid, patches, etc.)